25

I think it is just a number..you know, but with the number comes my unhappiness..

Dont Know WHAAT!

im being more grumpy nowadays..more annoyed..more sensitive..about what?..about a lot of stupid small things actually..

Sometimes, i think this is my real attitude..i am not always happy..i am not always cheerful and smiley..i AM grumpy and emo and bitchy..but when you reach a certain age, it is called immaturity...but it is just what you are feeling!

sometimes i hate people around me.. sometimes i hate that falling effing in love with the wrong guy, change me from being naive to this person that hate people and easily annoyed...

i dont know who i am angry or annoyed with..my family? my friends? or just plain me?..i just want to say things and just let people read it and understand me..but FB is offlimit..i dont like to publicize my life now..i choose to remain like this. FB is just for once a day occurence of checking the news feed and thats it..i dont want my life to focus on internet socializing..i need to get out more..i need to exercise and be confident again..actually i dont know what i want right now..and yes i am old and mature enough to say it out loud..coz i am still learning alot of things about what i really want in my life and what i want in my friends..

am i strong enough to live alone?..hurm, i think so?..but being alone is a lonely thing..

you will get mad and feeling like the walls is/are closing in at you..but i guess somewhere along the road, you have to be alone..not everything and every journey youve got someone you know will be beside you, right?..

I confess that in 2012 so far, I have...

I confess that in 2012 so far, I have...

( ) stayed single for the whole year
( ) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
(x) ate a whole birthday cake
( ) and then ate another birthday cake
( ) puke that birthday cake
( ) broke someone else’s heart
( ) had a stalker
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone
(x) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) have a relationship with someone you’ll never forget.
(x) done something you’ve regretted
(x) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe
( ) painted a picture
( ) wrote a poem
( ) addicted to weed
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
( ) flicked a booger under the table
(x) listened to music you couldn’t stand.
( ) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) pooped in the snow
(x) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren’t
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
( ) cooked a disastrous meal
( ) lost something important to you
(x) broke a promise
(x) lied
(x) went behind your parents back
(x) cried over a broken heart
(x) disappointed someone close
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy
( ) slept under the stars
( ) kept your new years resolution
(x) forgot your new years resolution
( ) killed a bird
( ) kicked a stone
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
(x) pretended to be sick
( ) left the country
( ) almost died
(x) given up something important to you
( ) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
(x) stayed up til sunrise
(x) cried over the silliest thing
(x) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had someone close to you die
(x) had a high cell phone bill
(x) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
( ) went to the beach with your best friend
(x) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer to a lot of people.

Happy Mood..;)

I am Happy....;)....

Set You on FIRE...

I dont like you..if you are on fire and i was there..i will just stand by and look..and i am not sorry if you burn..

thats how i am bitter with you..

please get out of my life..i am much better without you..if HE state that i will live alone without a husband or my destiny is like this..let it be... i dont want to be afraid of loneliness...lonely is just a feeling..heart pain eats you and consume your life with bitterness and depression...

i can be lonely and have my life free of you..

so please go away..i dont care anymore..you are not meant for me..if i were to marry you, it will make my life more miserable..know why?..coz you are not worth it anymore..i dont want you, i dont need you and i am sure as hell am better  than you..so please go away...go away...

Hate Letter

You sucks..serious..i hate how you can be a poison in my life..i hate how you seems to leech and drank up all my blood until i just be so tired and bored with your drama.

Yes, i am talking about you..here was a boy name Atan, who got a girl that loves him and all his flaws, but in the end he cheats on her so that girl dump him..hahaha...


i dont want to talk much about him coz he doesnt deserve me talking about him..he is and still a very very stupid boy..i dont know what he wants and HE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS HIMSELF...eff man, serious eff..he psycho me on loving him and when i do love him, he goes and fuck me over with his ex?..what type of a guy are you huh, asshole??!!...you've got me but you want her?...

ooohhh THAT BITCH is another story..i hate her..i never in my life hate a girl so much like i hate her..shit, i shouldnt be hating anybody coz it will just make me more madder..but damn that girl is such a BITCH!..
i am bitter...

i hate him for doing this to me..but in the end i need to forgive him n move one..coz i dont want to be bitter forever..i dont need this poison in my life anymore..

i dont want to keep talking about him in my blog or in my facebook or anywhere..i dont want him to be special..coz he thinks that he is..but he is not!..i still love him somewhere in my heart, but i cant change him and his way of cheating..
so it is up to me to move on in my life..to just let him go and be happy myself..

he is the one that never did feel satisfied just being with me..that always try to change me to meet his taste and lifestyles, that never appreciated me, that never need me, that always comparing me with THAT bitch eventhough i am like 100 and 10 percent more worthy than her,but he is not like that..he is just someone that likes nothing more to go and eff with other girls than being in love me..

so for me its already over between you and me, and i hope it stays that way...insyaallah..Amin..

i Miss having you in my life

I just sometimes miss having you in my life..
I just sometimes miss talking with you..
I just sometimes miss listening music with you..
I just sometimes miss watching crappy movies with you..
I just sometimes miss watching you east soup like an addict sniffing coke..
I just sometimes miss feeling insecure with you..
I just sometimes miss the way you soothe me with your words..
I just sometimes miss holding your hand in my hand..
I just sometimes miss watching you..
I just sometimes miss crying infront of you..
I miss being strong with you..
I miss how you teach me to be strong.

I miss how you can listen to me talk and talk and talk about him..
I miss saying how much i love him but matter in fact i love you as much..

I miss when now, when the moment that i need you, i cant seem to find you anywhere..
I miss when you hated everybody that takes advantage of me..
I miss the moment that can be my happy ending coz i know you cant be happy with me..
I miss how i can miss you so much before this..
I miss how i can cry for you but now i cant anymore..
I miss the heartbreaking moment when you text me "Its Over"..
I miss when now I am In love again but you are not here to share it with..
I miss that you will hate me for this but i really do love him..
I miss listening to your logic about him..
I miss you hating him coz he makes me cry when he should be making me smile..
I miss you now coz you are the one that i turn to talk whenever i have problem with him..
I miss all your promises..you said that we can still be friends after all this but the moment i moved on from you, you just dissapear into thin air..

I wish that you can come back to my life..
I wish that we are never in love..
I wish that we stick to being friend more than lover..
I wish that he can be loyal to me coz i dont want to cry for him when you are not near me..
I wish that he can love me as much that you love me back then..
I wish that i can trust him as much that i trust you with my heart..
I wish back then when i met you, i am strong to said NO to LOVE but YES to Friendship Forever..
I will never wish you are not you..coz you being you that help me finding my path in my life..
I wish that I can call you..
I wish that I can text you..
I wish that I can find you..
I wish that we never are apart forever and ever..
I wish that you will come to my wedding, when i marry my husband..if it is him, i wish you still come too..

I miss having you in my life to listen i ramble and talk about him, life, parents, siblings, music and us..

I will never (i hope) write about you anymore..I am happy just the way i am now

even if hell break loose in my relationship with him, i hope i can be strong like when i am with you..
to just let him go in the wind and never disturb him like i did with you..coz i kept my promises to her..the moment you decide what you want is her, i know that i am no longer relevant in your life..and i will keep it until the end of time i hope..

just make sure when i get married you come to my wedding..the only promise that i hope you can keep..you maybe never read my entries all this time..i think you just deleted me coz its getting to painful for you but i am in pain too..the moment i let go of you is the moment i grow up..i cant seem to let go of the memory yet..i still look at rayban and remember you..hear needles and pins and i will cry..watch every red helmet and remember you..look at the sun and hearing your promises, " Matahari kat situ jer sayang, xakan berganjak dari tempatnya"..but the fact is, you move on and so were I..

you are the sun, alif was the moon..Sun and moon are gone in my life so what is left for me now?..

Just tears and memories...

I wish...

I wish a lot of thing..i wish that i can go back to be an innocent girl..to be that person that never ever just follow her heart and JUST DO IT...hahahaa...but when i JUST DO IT, i learn a lot..

I learn that people mature through time and experience.. i never did notice of him being a coward..usually i will always be the one that delete and block people..but i think, he is changing..i scroll down more towards other people album and i saw his face among the crowds and i know that missing him does not mean that i have to contact or talk to him again..just wishing from afar that he is happy and i am happy for choosing never to contact him again...i am not weak..never was and never will ever..we choose this choices that we made because we thought that it can lead to a happy ending..sometimes i do wish i have the guts just to call him up and talk to him, but i wont..never will ever do it..i lost his number a matter of fact actually..*im lying btw*..but eventhough he picks up the phone and talk to me, i will be rendered speechless and weird out coz i dont want to go back into the past, i dont want him controlling my life anymore, i dont want to hide my feelings for a person just because he is *like that*..i dont want to ever go through anymore the feelings of *please choose me, please choose me, please choose me!*..never will be in that way anymore and that way of a relationship..coz you know what?..i am never anybody second choice..

Am i happy now?...

I think that is a question that had to be answer in the next post...

Later...