i Miss having you in my life

I just sometimes miss having you in my life..
I just sometimes miss talking with you..
I just sometimes miss listening music with you..
I just sometimes miss watching crappy movies with you..
I just sometimes miss watching you east soup like an addict sniffing coke..
I just sometimes miss feeling insecure with you..
I just sometimes miss the way you soothe me with your words..
I just sometimes miss holding your hand in my hand..
I just sometimes miss watching you..
I just sometimes miss crying infront of you..
I miss being strong with you..
I miss how you teach me to be strong.

I miss how you can listen to me talk and talk and talk about him..
I miss saying how much i love him but matter in fact i love you as much..

I miss when now, when the moment that i need you, i cant seem to find you anywhere..
I miss when you hated everybody that takes advantage of me..
I miss the moment that can be my happy ending coz i know you cant be happy with me..
I miss how i can miss you so much before this..
I miss how i can cry for you but now i cant anymore..
I miss the heartbreaking moment when you text me "Its Over"..
I miss when now I am In love again but you are not here to share it with..
I miss that you will hate me for this but i really do love him..
I miss listening to your logic about him..
I miss you hating him coz he makes me cry when he should be making me smile..
I miss you now coz you are the one that i turn to talk whenever i have problem with him..
I miss all your promises..you said that we can still be friends after all this but the moment i moved on from you, you just dissapear into thin air..

I wish that you can come back to my life..
I wish that we are never in love..
I wish that we stick to being friend more than lover..
I wish that he can be loyal to me coz i dont want to cry for him when you are not near me..
I wish that he can love me as much that you love me back then..
I wish that i can trust him as much that i trust you with my heart..
I wish back then when i met you, i am strong to said NO to LOVE but YES to Friendship Forever..
I will never wish you are not you..coz you being you that help me finding my path in my life..
I wish that I can call you..
I wish that I can text you..
I wish that I can find you..
I wish that we never are apart forever and ever..
I wish that you will come to my wedding, when i marry my husband..if it is him, i wish you still come too..

I miss having you in my life to listen i ramble and talk about him, life, parents, siblings, music and us..

I will never (i hope) write about you anymore..I am happy just the way i am now

even if hell break loose in my relationship with him, i hope i can be strong like when i am with you..
to just let him go in the wind and never disturb him like i did with you..coz i kept my promises to her..the moment you decide what you want is her, i know that i am no longer relevant in your life..and i will keep it until the end of time i hope..

just make sure when i get married you come to my wedding..the only promise that i hope you can keep..you maybe never read my entries all this time..i think you just deleted me coz its getting to painful for you but i am in pain too..the moment i let go of you is the moment i grow up..i cant seem to let go of the memory yet..i still look at rayban and remember you..hear needles and pins and i will cry..watch every red helmet and remember you..look at the sun and hearing your promises, " Matahari kat situ jer sayang, xakan berganjak dari tempatnya"..but the fact is, you move on and so were I..

you are the sun, alif was the moon..Sun and moon are gone in my life so what is left for me now?..

Just tears and memories...

I wish...

I wish a lot of thing..i wish that i can go back to be an innocent girl..to be that person that never ever just follow her heart and JUST DO IT...hahahaa...but when i JUST DO IT, i learn a lot..

I learn that people mature through time and experience.. i never did notice of him being a coward..usually i will always be the one that delete and block people..but i think, he is changing..i scroll down more towards other people album and i saw his face among the crowds and i know that missing him does not mean that i have to contact or talk to him again..just wishing from afar that he is happy and i am happy for choosing never to contact him again...i am not weak..never was and never will ever..we choose this choices that we made because we thought that it can lead to a happy ending..sometimes i do wish i have the guts just to call him up and talk to him, but i wont..never will ever do it..i lost his number a matter of fact actually..*im lying btw*..but eventhough he picks up the phone and talk to me, i will be rendered speechless and weird out coz i dont want to go back into the past, i dont want him controlling my life anymore, i dont want to hide my feelings for a person just because he is *like that*..i dont want to ever go through anymore the feelings of *please choose me, please choose me, please choose me!*..never will be in that way anymore and that way of a relationship..coz you know what?..i am never anybody second choice..

Am i happy now?...

I think that is a question that had to be answer in the next post...

Later...

Marriage?,,,single?...or regret?...

Marriage?..yup, i am old enough and "rich" enough to talk about marriage and wedding..

but do i really want that?...do i really want to be NOT ALONE to get married and live my whole life having a miserable marriage with 2 or 3 kids with a lousy husband??...i love children..sometimes it doesnt show cause how i am grumpy with my lil archie and always smacking his head when he do something annoying. But i really want to be a mother of my own child..BUT, do i want to get married with a lousy husband?..THAT IS THE BIG PROBLEM..

i have been in love LOADS of time..but ALL the people i had been in love with frankly speakings, are not the marriage type..Let me, make it clear..1) They are good boyfriends..2) They do love me..3) They 'sometimes' has money..BUT...do i really want to get married with a guy that HAVE a LOT of problem and their family are kinda shifty?..NOPE!..dont DO IT!..cos seriously it will bite you back in the ass..you had to get married with a good guy with a good family background, that can support you no matter what circumstances and have a good financial background..That is important people!..not the looks, not the clothes and definitely not their watch..Its all about him and his family..

But i will never get just married with the reason "Just because..."..now i do understand why successful woman that have a career and is single and DONT get married!..cos they are rich enough to buy their OWN house!, buy their OWN car and buy their OWN food..


so basically for me, yes i do feel lonely, yes i do feel sometimes like a loser..but do i really want to be married and have a lot of problem later in life?..do i really am that strong to handle that?..
i guess i am not..

I want to get married..hell..who in the hell doesnt want their happily ever after ending..

but i want to get married with the right guy at the right time of our life..maybe my 'jodoh' is not here yet, or maybe he will never show up..whatever happens i am grateful and happy with my life..

I just saw Sun..

Hahahaha..its a weird noon actually..yesterday the post is all about giving up a person and never finding them back..but hell i just saw HIM..

I thought you quit already..hell i thought you quit ages ago..so when i went there, my heart like flip flopping for a minute whether i will see you or see just a glimpse of your shadow..

BUT HELL SUN.. you almost ran me over !!.hahaha..

I miss you...but i dont know whether you miss me back just the same..i think you realize its me when our eyes met..but i dont know..
i think i saw you looking for me at the exit near the cafe..but i dont know..

coz we never did or i never did have the courage to just go and talk to you and say "Hi"..this remind me on the starting of how we became friends actually..hahaha..me being shy and you had to go and say "Hey" to me first...

so we never will know the fact whether we can be the bestest friend again..As i always say to people "He was the best friend and a great friend for me to have, regardless of what he is and what the circumstances, he never did do things that hurt me except for letting me go.."..

i wish you just scream my name and we can wave "hi"..but i didn't did that too..so whatever i guess..

the "jungle" will never go away ..so maybe next time, i will have the courage to say "Hi, whats up?, hows life.."..or we can continue pretending that we never did know each other ever..

..its been a weird encounter..you look much less NOT the same at all..but i guess thats what you "do" to go back being normal huh?..

Whatever it is, i am happy to see you again even just a glimpse and later~~

Karma, breaking up and qada' and qadar...

I believe in karma..i also believe in qada' and qadar, of coz...
I have this weird fight when im with him..always this weird fight...

Orang A: Sudahlah u...
Orang B: I dah, u tu yg xpernah dah..
Orang A: I dah lahh...
Orang B: U dah apa..u xpernah dah..kalau u dah, u xlayan dia..

and this scene will be repeated countless of times throughout the relationship due to because of the "guy"...we always fight about jealousy..weird huh?..bcoz of his "life", supposedly me, that will be the jealous type..but in fact he is the one that controls me more than i actually does to him..

So back to karma, i do believe what you give, you will get back tenfold..so means if you do evil once, then somebody else will do evil back to you tenfold and so on with goodness..
.
Back then when the guy do back things to me, i choose him to replace the guy.. i choose a Sun to replace my night..but in the end the Sun doesnt choose me back..I did regret the decision of coz, sometimes..

Never the decision to love a person but the decision of why we cant be friends now..
coz relationship complicates thing, as you can never go back to being friends. And he was my bestest friend ever (for a guy back then)..he was the answer to all my question about my life back then..so when i choose love over friendship, we cant go back to just being friends..but in truth, i dont know how anymore..but the matter of fact is,i never did try to contact him again..its been like 4?5? months i guess since i last saw anything about him and this includes facebook.

coz for me, when he made the decision of not choosing me, that means he wants out,he doesnt need me anymore. so of coz a girl like me, thinks " Okay, fine...i can do this..i can be strong like you too.." I just throw away all the details, all the stuff and never did look back..breaking up is not easy..hell, i still feel bitter about him ..i still feel like "Eff you man, seriously Eff you..".."i have this gut to leave everything behind but why cant you just choose me!..why cant you just be like me and pick up the pieces together with me??.." ...but he did choose the other choice..im still bitter sometimes but it had to be done..

so the karma in my life is that, i had been a cheater, cheated and a cheat. does not include me only. sometimes with a guy doing it to me.or the guy in my relationship doing it with other people. so conclusion is be good. be strong. be truthful. coz think with your age not your shoe size.

Later~

Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up (Official Lyric Video)

Wow...Hundreds of meaning in this song...~

I wont Give Up..I'm Still Looking UP...

I told you so and my mistake..

"I told you so"....

I hated that word..i remember falling in love and people saying "Jangan, dont do this mistake"..but me being stubborn," Its ok, my mistake so i want to learn"..But hell, i already give this fucking loser countless and countless of opportunity..Its been ages and finally all the things that keep me coming back to him is finish..FINALLY!, no more calling up and asking for the "thing"..So, right now its just about me and him..but you never learn huh?..dont tell me my perangai is sucks when your perangai is like an effing child..i choose to lose you ages ago, i can do it again lah LOSER!!...

I always mengharap..my mistake huh?...haishhh...harap people call me and say that they miss me just as much i miss them, harap people change and be more like a person than a child..harap that you love me more and choose me than anybody else..but its just that "harap", its not reality...maybe i can love them always and forever but i gonna stop this thing of "mengharap"..coz in reality of life is that, "when people said goodbye it means that, "Bye".."...
I always always gonna love him, the OTHER him, not the loser him, the "sun" him....i already started to forget his voice and laugh and it makes me wanna cry so hard but its for the best i think..and its just time to move on cos i ve got big plan for 2012 and maybe its better to be alone than to handle all this feelings..

Dont cry when the sun is gone, because the tears wont let you see the stars ~ Violet Parra



Later...